The Dichotomy Of Being

I have always wondered what entails in being me,myself,or what should I aspire for? Does being brave and strong allow me to break down when life is just too much;does selflessness include self preservation and sometimes thinking about what is best for you;can being polite and kind allow a person to be violent or offensive to seek justice,or simply because their heart desires so?

How can a human ever be conformed to a single idea or word? We are the most complex creatures to ever walk on the planet, and not due to our biological composition or anything(in my opinion,cats are the most complicated gods,but that is a debate for some other time,and you are not free to disagree.Period) but because of how deeply we think or feel something.

The question that pokes my deranged mind is this - How am I supposed to aspire to be something when all of the adjectives are subjective and feel so right in different scenarios?I can't be one thing at one moment and then simply revert back to its complete antonym at the other moment-then I will be deemed as a fickle hypocrite which I am pretty sure I am not.

So I figured this out on a bus ride,hot afternoon air making my throat feel like sandpaper,and my head burn so bad that I started thinking about what defines me(which proves the credibility of this piece) and all I could find were scores of examples of how undefinable I am.I feel everything so deeply that it leaves me gasping for breath , trivial interactions making my head buzz with all kinds of thoughts and conclusions,where as there are days when a blast of events hardly draw a glance out of me. I love to read ,but sometimes looking at the page of a book is just too much.Music moves me,but the late night silence also speaks to me in a dark alluring language that makes me turn down the beat (for what...there goes a failed pop culture reference).

I aspire to be brave and fierce, but I can hardly fight with someone without the thought of my words hurting them in some way,even if they deserve it.I love to travel, and at the same time,the coziness of my bed engulfs me on some days and I don't want to leave.I want to reach for the stars and make a crown for myself,and I also want to make coffee and sit in a porch surrounded by my garden and cats,reading and just soaking myself in the simplicity of it all.

And what is being defined anyway?Why do we always seek for validation from society,adjectives,passion and purpose? Will being defined as brave make you invincible?Will a kind person never step down from his pedestal and fight for those who take him for granted?Has being defined and finding purpose and all definite things made us so unbearably caged that now we just can't breathe and we are still confused .We are confused because according to everyone and every quote, finding "IT" was supposed to bring us closer to self actualization, but all we have actualized is that we don't like chocolate cereal (that too because we believe it is not healthy).

It is almost impossible for us to not find ways to define us,because this is embedded into our core, but if we just let it go,and I don't mean loose all sense and purpose that are vital to you.Go and give that test that will improve your GPA , stand up if you are being cheated , take care of yourself and cats and trees around you.All I think is that not letting words bind you will make you know the infinite you that is so enchanting because it is a conglomerate of stars and rivers,courage and king and fierce and sometimes,selfish too.

You, are so much more than words in a language, the instances that have occurred in your life yet, the bad decisions you have made, the lies that you live, the fears that choke you in the middle of the night.You are the pitch black night sky that feels dark like your soul and the early morning sunrise which feels like hope.You are the fight with your parents and cuddles with your cat (or snake,whatever you prefer).You are left and right,pasta and noodles,Netflix and a cozy read by the fireplace,the embers and the forest fire that burns and burns and feels inextinguishable ,the world as we know it  and the big bang which gave birth to the universe.

Do not conform.Cherish the dichotomy of being unapologetically (and sometimes apologetic) you.

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