From My Teenage Self to My Adult Woman

Hey.

This is unusual. Mostly it is teenagers who need self-assurance, a boost in morale, a lesson in how to handle peer pressure, and why is it so humungously important for you to stand up for yourself.

Not today.

I believe there is much that is lost now. What you were before, it was kickass and carefree (of course minus the college entrance exams and the pressure of performance to prove yourself to every breathing organism). It was almost poetic,  how radiant you were, how innocent and how naive. Most of your actions might seem extremely embarrassing, an absolute roller-coaster-ride-into-the-cringeville, but it had this one single sliver of character that you so desperately try to hold on, but can't because this new world of adulthood scares the shit out of your me who was raw and blunt-you were brave.

It wasn't an epic adventurous childhood nor did it have any amazing stories you could tell your grandkids about. Actually, now that you think about it, it was below ordinary and average-no sad sob stories, bad past, baggage, financial limitations, major disciplinary issues, no bullying(because you didn't take shit from anyone). It was you, the library, cats, home, your hiding spots when you wanted to disappear into the sheer magnificence of multiverses astonishingly contained in paperbound pages of wonder.

I am saying all this for one sole purpose-you, my somewhat mature self, have forgotten what it felt like to be fearless, in spite of betrayals, lost first love, disputes among family. What you are facing now is a dichotomy-different and similar both at the same time. You are scared of speaking your mind now, I know. You are dealing with the reality that I tried to avoid by loving everyone and getting lost into my world of stories and fables. You are scared of losing phonies that call themselves friends and don't bother to save some dignity and say it to your face. Every action and breath that you take has so many weird and twisted versions for other people that you refrain from doing anything at all.

Maybe it isn't relatable to everyone reading this, but this is how it was for you.

It is difficult being an adult far more than it was being a teen. This I would say with a conviction as rigid and sure as the trees that you used to sit beneath and wait for the best friend you loved so much. It was so simple that even in the moments of brilliance and excruciating pain, I knew that nothing I was feeling was the slightest bit of  "difficult" as compared to you. 

So, what I want now for you is to be brave again slowly, one step at a time. Start by working on your physical self, and remembering all those moments when you thought you couldn't do it anymore, how it seemed like the most unbearable thing to do was waking up and getting out there. But you did. Go on and learn. Learn everything that you can. Learn during exams, but learn on chilly, sleepy mornings with warm coffee and tasting sleep on your tongue. Learn new languages that I know you love to, about coding that seems so impossible to you. Read those books that are kept beneath your table in a huge cardboard box and is collecting dust. Read, because it is one of those things that will bring you closer to me.

Remember that you will create the next couple of decades of your life, and how that goes is decided just by how brave you are right now. You will figure out life at some point, but try and do as much of it as you can right now because why wait for tomorrow. Why not now? And why should you let the reason come to you, go out there and kick its ass.

You, mi amor, are sun and black holes, snowflakes and thunderstorm, monochrome piano keys and worn out roads, bookshelf in your dad's office and cackling laughter all blended into a warm cup of hot chocolate eyes that look out at a scary yet beautiful world. You need to see as much as you can of the Pinterest board that you keep looking at with pictures of lakes and skycrapers.

Please, do a favour to yourself and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You hardly need a pep talk from me, but it would do good to you to have someone who knows you remind you of how all that you want is right here, within the reach of your fingertips. You just need to stretch and move your ass up to grab it.